Exploiting My Baby* *Because It's Exploiting Me

CVS: Order Now and Get Six Months of Worry Free Pregnancy!

PreggersTeresa Strasser11 Comments


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I don’t want to say I got the hard sell on having a CVS test, but when I went to my mandatory pre-test genetic counseling session, it felt a little like being on a used car lot on the last day of the month taking a recession test drive with a salesman one vehicle short of his quota.

In essence, he was asking, “What’s it going to take to get you into these stirrups?” And he wasn’t going to let us walk without closing.

I’m sure the information was medically sound, responsible, factual, bla, bla, bla, but this is pretty much how I heard it.

Mrs. Strasser, this CVS is top of the line. It’s the Cadillac of invasive prenatal diagnostic tests, and we give you a lifetime no chromosomal defects guarantee!

On the other hand, if you like “uncertainty,” perhaps this test isn’t for you. I guess you don’t mind the idea of visiting your child in an institution because it’s severely impaired and you just didn’t feel like getting the CVS. I guess you are one of those people who don’t mind Fragile X Syndrome or Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Look, the CVS test is not for everyone, just customers who appreciate our 99 percent accuracy rate in diagnosing chromosomal abnormalities.

We offer easy financing through your insurance company.

But really, how can you put a price on peace of mind? Our model of CVS practitioner, Dr. Everyone Goes to Him, is the best on the market. Best safety record around. Again, like I said, some folks don’t care about safety, and if that’s you, I guess the CVS isn’t an investment worth making right now.

Let me show you some of the other CVS features.

We can test for several hundred genetic disorders. Tay-Sachs Disease? Cystic fibrosis? We got you covered. Did you say you were Ashkenazi? Yikes, that’s bad. What? Nothing.

The first trimester screening test you already had, that nice little sonogram and blood screen combo, that’s cute and all, but if you want a real test, that’s a waste of your time. Sure, that checks for a few mutations, but this is the bad boy. We check all 23 chromosomes. Order now, and we’ll even throw in free gender identification.

You can think about it, but at 12 weeks, you don’t have much time. Dr. Everyone Goes to Him books up and your window for this test shuts at 13 weeks. No pressure. You can have an amniocentesis at 15 weeks if you like. Up to you. I sure wouldn’t want to run into any defects that late in the game.