Exploiting My Baby* *Because It's Exploiting Me

I Need You To Really Think About Your Balls

General StuffTeresa Strasser38 Comments

 

Testing the tensile strength of Spanx

I know having “big balls” is prized, at least metaphorically, but guys, imagine if your balls were three times their normal size, swollen, sensitive, hanging heavy and splaying uncomfortably across your thighs. Big, giant balls would get in your way, as awesome as they sound.

I’m now 20 weeks pregnant and two full cup sizes bigger than when I started. And it’s not all that.

 

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I just bought this Spanx bra in a 36C. I hate bras, but this one isn’t so bad, if you’re looking.

I was sitting having coffee with a friend when the front clasp came undone, apropos of nothing, and I just busted out of my brand new C cups. Maybe it was caused by the dangerous mixture of a robust inhale with a moment of slight slouching. Basically, I was sitting there stock-still. I don’t blame the Bra-llelujah, but my boobs are growing so fast they are actually testing the tensile strength of Spanx.I know this is supposed to be one of the best things about being pregnant, but I didn’t mind my A-cups. These new boobs are tender and unwieldy. It’s hard to sleep without rolling over and pinching one of them. Sometimes I can actually feel growing pains in one or the other, like when my mind wanders during a boring movie (thanks Angels and Fucking Demons, for giving me 138 minutes to notice the stinging, aching feeling of my breasts inching toward a D-Cup).

I keep trying to wear the little bralette things I used to wear, you know, no underwires, no hooks, you just slip them over your head and they look sweet and girlie, but now they feel suffocating, like something Joan of Arc would have worn to bind herself down and pass as male. Joan of Arc or Yentl. Or Brandon Teena. My point is this: you want to have balls, you want to have brass balls even, or balls of steel, you may even want to go balls to the wall, but big balls? I would think twice.

Note: It might seem weird to address dudes on a pregnancy blog, but thanks to working on the Adam Carolla Show, I think I have the only pregnancy site that guys seem to be reading. And that takes balls. Thank you.