Exploiting My Baby* *Because It's Exploiting Me

My Baby is All Ass-Backward

General StuffTeresa Strasser81 Comments

Who is this dude, Frank Breech? Well, it looks like my baby is what they call frank breech. Like three to four percent of all babies, he is bottom down, head up. A C-section is already on the books for eight days from today.

However, experts say one way to coax the baby’s head down so he can safely dive out vaginally is to place headphones inside mom’s pants toward her pubic bone and play music for ten minutes, 6-8 times a day. That’s right, the right song played near my girl parts can save me a major surgery and an unsightly scar.

This begs the obvious question, what music would lure a baby’s head down so he can be born the old-fashioned way?

Here are some suggestions I’ve gotten via Twitter, which I think are pretty genius:

“Into the Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty

“Down in the Hole” by the Rolling Stones

“Jump Around” by House of Pain

“Follow You Down” by The Gin Blossoms

“Hold On, I’m Coming” by Sam and Dave

“Head On” by the Pixies

“Heading Out to the Highway” by Judas Priest

“Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

“Upside Down” by Diana Ross

“We Gotta Get Out of this Place” by the Animals

“Turn! Turn! Turn!” by The Byrds

In short, my V needs a DJ ‘cause the baby needs to spin. Whaddya got?