Exploiting My Baby* *Because It's Exploiting Me

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21 Weeks: Call Malcolm Gladwell, I’m a Weight Gain Outlier

General StuffTeresa Strasser57 Comments

Sorry, Heidi

I gained 16 pounds my first trimester.

To put that in perspective, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” the so-called “pregnancy bible” read by 90% of pregnant women in America, suggests gaining between two and four pounds in the first trimester. Oops. I see your two pounds and raise you 14.

Author Heidi Murkoff delivers this nugget, “Slow and steady doesn’t only win the race – it’s a winner when it comes to pregnancy weight gain, too.”

Heidi and I have broken up a couple of times, but that’s because our relationship is kind of intense. I need Heidi when I have scary bleeding ­­– or jammy discharge after a CVS test – and require Heidi-style hand-holding to be sure everything is normal and not, in fact, a sign of imminent miscarriage. Many a night I’ve clung to Heidi’s comprehensive index (now dog-eared and smeared with Dorito seasoning), looking up spotting, breathing difficulty, hot baths, mood swings, mosquito bites, everything from abscess to zygote. But two to four pounds for the entire first trimester? Is she high? Or just high and mighty?

This is an important, classic and time-tested book, and I acknowledge it is a bible. However like the Bible, it occasionally says some really fucked up shit.

“Gradual weight gain also allows for gradual skin stretching (think fewer stretch marks),” adds Heidi, chirpily. And I know a subtle threat when I hear one. Translation in my mind: “Hey fatty, you keep up the eating if you want an ass full of stretch marks, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Still, Heidi is just trying to help and I can’t stay mad at her in case I need her stupid index again. In any case, it’s not her fault.

I guess I’m just a weight gain outlier. You could probably extrapolate from the above data that now, at 21 weeks pregnant and just over halfway through, I’m pretty hefty. As of yesterday at the gym, I’ve gained 29.5 pounds total so far. According to Heidi, that should pretty much be it for the whole pregnancy. Too bad I have four more months to go of important baby growth development time. How did this happen?

Dreakfast

First of all, I invented a new meal, like Taco Bell did. Mine is “dreakfast,” which comes between dinner and breakfast. Every night during my first trimester, I would wake up nauseas and feeling motion sick. I would pull up a small table next to the bathtub at 3:00 a.m. and soak while mauling a giant bowl of cereal and listening to podcasts of Radio Lab and This American Life. Sometimes that cereal would leave me with a taste for something sweet, which I would address with a mini tofu ice cream sandwich and perhaps an OJ chaser.

I was ravenously, ridiculously, painfully hungry.

It was like a sitcom, in that it was both boring and predictable. I’d stand in front of the refrigerator eating pickles and cheese. I wanted wheels of cheddar, craved anything involving vinegar or citrus, loved yogurt, licorice, and strangely, Guinness beer, which I didn’t drink, but fantasized about chugging from a frosty stein.

Does this fetus make me look fat?

Like a Hangover

I got my first hemorrhoid ever from pregnancy constipation, typical in the first trimester but still hideous, and fought it off with high fiber cereal and kiwis. The solution to hemorrhoids, like to all things in the first trimester, was edible.

It wasn’t and isn’t the kind of “emotional” hunger that makes you feel like you want to dig a spatula into a bottomless vat of rocky road so you can feel less lonely or bored or empty. It’s the large intestines rubbing together, physical desperation for fried potatoes and eggs kind of hunger you feel when you wake up hung over on a Sunday, when you didn’t eat dinner the night before, but instead sipped several doubles of Jameson’s, neat. It’s the type of hunger that makes you order a coffee and orange juice at the diner the morning after and look balefully at your waitress as if to plead, “Seriously, look at me. Get me that juice.”

I had the unswerving certainty that only the constant infusion of food would settle my stomach. I kept crackers by the bed so I wouldn’t have to make it all the way to the kitchen in our 900 square foot place. I fell asleep with a container of chopped pineapple in my hand. One morning, I gobbled down a giant protein bar for breakfast, and 20 minutes later thought to myself, “Man, I’m starving, I should eat breakfast,” which is when I noticed the protein bar wrapper sitting on the nightstand, and only then remembered I had consumed it.

Drugs Have No Calories

Along with the feeling of being car sick, of cramps and heartburn resistant to prescription Zantac, there was withdrawal from all the good, soothing drugs like Ambian and Xanax and Klonipin that I once used responsibly and “as needed,” need being a fluid concept.

There was the quitting smoking, too. I only smoked two cigarettes or so a night, but quitting means my body has no idea when dinner is over, so it isn’t.

What happens when you combine pregnancy hormones, fear about motherhood and the future, a queasiness calmed only by the constant eating of toast and crackers, a new and unexplained revulsion for vegetables, quitting smoking, doing lots of sitting around worrying and waiting for various test results? What do you get? Pretty fat, actually.

My Bladder Got Fat

My bladder didn’t actually get fat, just infected, twice, which is also common during pregnancy, but the prescribed antibiotics are not your colon’s friend. The only solution to this was a combination of taking probiotics from Whole Foods and listening repeatedly to the Alanis Morrisette song “Thank You,” which opens with the possibly overly specific but nonetheless satisfying lyric, “How ‘bout getting off of these antibiotics?”

I outgrew my underpants.

Drove down to the mall in Sherman Oaks for my first foray into maternity shopping at A Pea in the Pod. You feel special there because they have bathrooms and water, and creeped out because they are overly conciliatory and they say your pre-maternity size should fit in maternity wear but that is a dirty, dirty, dirty lie.

I still can’t bring myself to buy large panties, so I squeeze into medium Victoria’s Secret Angel undies just to see how deep and festering a red gash I can acquire from elastic digging into my hip flesh.

My Ears Got Fat

How do I know? Because I work in deep cable, co-hosting a show on the top half of the screen while the bottom half scrolls through better shows you could be watching on other networks. I use an earpiece (IFB) so the producer can talk to me during the show. About a month ago, it started popping out of my ear. I’ve used it for years doing live news. As is customary, an audiologist molded the IFB to fit my ear perfectly and no one could figure out why it suddenly kept sliding out as I tried to interview Jane Seymour or those twins from “Desperate Housewives.” It took a new sound guy to point out tactfully that, “Sometimes when people change sizes, their ears change, too.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Were fat.

Pollyanna Alert:

I swear this is true. I wouldn’t trade my worst, sickest, fattest, most bloated pregnant day for not being pregnant at all. Even 21 weeks into it, I still feel flabbergasted that the whole birds and the bees thing really works, even for me, someone past her prime breeding years with a few STD’s on the boards (I wasn’t slutty or anything, but my 20s were a little tough on the reproductive system thanks to one particular comedian – or as my friends put it, “The stand up gave you the lie down.”) It continues to feel surreal that this thing took, that I feel the baby kicking now throughout the day, which feels like I swallowed a cell phone and I’m taking calls on vibrate. Or sometimes if feels like about a third of the stitch you get in your side when you run too fast, or maybe popcorn popping.

I hope parenting is like that – even days it sucks you would still rather you had done it.

The fact that it still feels sort of unreal, that is totally, totally normal. At least that’s what Heidi says.

My Chemical Romance: I Miss You, Toxins

Favorite Posts, General StuffTeresa Strasser37 Comments

 

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Even someone like me who isn’t particularly good with babies, who looks at them and says things like “Hey, buddy. Look at your little face,” before resorting to peek-a-boo and than running of out material, even I try to err on the side of caution when it comes to most chemicals. After years of wondering if I was cut out to be a mother, I’m relieved that the instinct to protect this baby is so strong, or at least the image of me smoking a Camel while sipping a Jameson’s as hair dye sets in and self-tanner absorbs is so shameful, that I figure all of my favorite chemicals can wait.

And I really love chemicals. I had no idea how much I took them for granted until now. I miss you, toxins.

Being pregnant has made me feel toward booze and Xanax and Retin-A the way Emily from “Our Town” felt about food, new ironed dresses, hot baths and milk delivered to your door. She didn’t appreciate the simple things in life until she returned as a ghost to Grover’s Corners, lived one day as her 12 year old self, and asked the question all pre-teen girls agonize over while performing Emily’s big monologue at theatre camp: “Does anyone ever realize life while they live it?”

What I mean is that I never appreciated safe and guilt-free drug use until it was gone. Did I just compare not using Klonopin to dying? Is that overblown? Someone get me to Samuel French because I’m feeling dramatic.

I knew nicotine was bad. I quit smoking my two after-dinner puffy treats at 10 weeks or so. Though I was never John Wayne with the smokes, we went way back together, and I always thought letting go of one or two cigarettes would be easy.

 

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Right now, I don’t want to smoke just a couple.

I want to sit in bed and chain-smoke high on half a Vicodin and watch a couple of documentaries from Netflix like I used to do on a Friday night when the mood struck. If smoking calms nerves, I’ve never been more nervous than I am about this baby, how he’s doing in there, how he is going to get out, when I’m going to ascertain the meaning of the word “layette” or make myself care about the best brand of disposable nipple pads. However, it’s comforting to know my first maternal instincts outweigh nicotine addiction and habit and several bassinets full of anxiety.

Chemicals, I can’t wait to return to you. Until then, here is a list of the top ten chemicals I miss:

 

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Vicodin - Narcotics are bad. Except for the fact they produce a little something called euphoria. Listen, this drug is a highly addictive opioid that should be used only to manage severe pain. However, my definition of "pain" is a loose one. 

Nicotine – C’mon. Smoking sucks. I get it. But how else are you supposed to know when dinner is over?

Booze – Nursing is going to mean something totally different, I know, but it used to be what I did to my glass of whiskey or single malt Scotch. What rounds out the edges now? Anyone who suggests a hot bath or meditating or chamomile tea is going to get punched in the face.

Retin-A – Who knows if this crap works, but they say it staves off breakouts and wrinkles and I have both right now as my prescription tube sits in the drawer, expiring.

Hair Color – I know, some say it’s okay to use, others say just get highlights, but let’s face it, who wants to sit in the salon all pregnant while women judge you for caring more about your roots than your spawn?

Klonopin – Relaxes muscles, reduces anxiety, helps you sleep, features a nice long half-life so you wake up fresh as a daisy and worry free. My favorite drug seemed so harmless until I read that when taken during pregnancy it may cause “floppy infant syndrome.” I don’t know what that is, and I don’t want to know.

Mystic Tan – Again, lots of pregnant girls do it and it’s probably fine. If you search long enough, you’ll find some Dr. Buzzkill to dissuade you from most delicious chemicals, as does OB/GYN Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz who says, “I tell my patients to avoid chemical tanning at the very least in the first trimester, when the majority of fetal organ formation occurs.” Ha, lady! I’m second trimester. Not so fast, she also adds that brain development continues throughout pregnancy and the skin is the largest organ in the body. Fine.

If there is a better way to gloss over the physical unpleasantries of being both pregnant and just generally over 30, I haven’t found it. DHA, IOU. And I miss you.

Advil – I never used this much, but now that I can’t I realize it was nice to have the option.

Artificial sweeteners – Equal, Splenda, Nutrasweet, saccharine, I don’t know what’s in you or which of you is better, but you all taste so chemical-y now. Half a Splenda in my decaf is my sweetener threshold before the guilt sets in, and that’s not like the three packs I used to enjoy in my cereal just for the fuck of it.

Caffeine – I have a decaf now and again, but some scary article I read when I was trying to get pregnant linked excessive coffee drinking with an increased rate of miscarriage. As losing the baby is the most non-stop, obsessive worry I’ve ever had, it seems like every caffeinated beverage is just a Miscarriage-a-ccino.