Exploiting My Baby* *Because It's Exploiting Me

clothes

It’s Futile to Resist: Maternity Clothes are like Ugg Boots, Both Homely and Seductive

General Stuff, Stuff You Should BuyTeresa Strasser11 Comments

 

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Not buying maternity clothes is like refusing a Xanax on an airplane. Don’t be a hero.

A couple of weeks ago, when I was 18 weeks pregnant, a woman I barely know, but who must now in retrospect be considered a saint, gave me a stack of hand-me-down maternity clothes.

I never would have purchased this stuff myself, because I secretly harbor paranoia that the entire baby and maternity industry is a racket trying to squirm its grubby hand into my chubby pocket and convince me I need bullshit like nursing pajamas.

Sometimes, I’m wrong. I still think the maternity industry jacks up prices because it has a captive and nervous audience, but Old Navy and Gap maternity basics are the shit. Get yourself a Gap Maternity Cami with built in bra for $19.50 and you will never take it off.

The thing about maternity clothes is that they aren’t just bigger, they are cut differently, roomier in the right places and in many cases, with a band of extra-wide, yummy elastic where the waistband of your jeans or skirt or cargo pants would normally be. Any mom knows this, but it was news to me. Even if you aren’t that big, maternity clothes are like Ugg boots for your gut, so comfortable you don’t mind looking like you just stepped out of a food court in Lodi clutching a shopping bag from Claire’s.

And if you hand your maternity clothes over to another pregnant girl when the breeding is all over, you can at least relish the knowledge that in some small way, you are sticking it to The Man.

How to Make Your Newborn Want to Kill Himself

General StuffTeresa Strasser11 Comments

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You can buy these clever onesies at a kiosk at a giant upscale outdoor mall called The Grove in Los Angeles. You could. But that would make your taste in onesies a lot like NUMBER TWO

My friend Christy Lemire (also pregnant, see the new C cups in above photo), pointed these out to me while we were on a maternity clothes shopping mission at The Gap yesterday. 

 

<No punsy onesies, please>

Just because the tyke can't read, doesn't mean that on some level, he can't feel his dignity being snatched away.